This week i begin my 10th week at Moody Bible Institute. There is a strange feeling that i have been here for years, and yet at the same time that i only got here yesterday. I have had time to settle in, begin to make friends, create a persona that i wish others would see, and fall into routine. I can't believe all that God has done for me and im reminded of how i felt when i started this journey.
When i first got accepted to Moody-SPOKANE, you couldn't imagine the disappointment. I had spent the past 6 months dreaming about how life would be in Chicago and what my life was going to be like in a big city. The worst part about reading that letter was getting excited when in congratulated me on my acceptance, but then halfway down the letter realizing they didn't have "room" for me in Chicago and they were sending me to Spokane. My heart sank and the next 5 hours at work felt like a lump was in my throat followed by a car ride home filled with tears. I learned a lot from that one experience with the major lesson being that i was prideful and arrogant. I have seen a lot of prideful people fall hard and i thank God that he corrected me early so that i wouldn't have to be humiliated later on.
I got hit hard that summer with things going on around me and i was really distracted. Before i knew it August had rolled around and all of a sudden i was leaving in 2 weeks. The moment i came to that realization was on a mission trip in Mexico when my friend started to make plans to say goodbye to me. I stiffened up and i started to get really scared. One of my good friends asked me if i was okay and i remember saying, "I'm not ready for this. I can't move out and go to school... I'm too little." He then proceeded to look at me and awkwardly try to comfort me but i was a little too overwhelmed.
Two nights before i was going to leave, i started to pack all of my things. I had put off the lengthly process because when you begin, it becomes real. I remember sitting in my room, folding clothes, and crying my eyes out because i was so scared. I prayed so much that night and i was so nervous. I didn't want to say goodbye to anyone because it was embarrassing to cry in front of them and admit i wasn't as strong as i had pretended.
The morning i left it was a warm and sunny and i had a lump in my throat all day. I started to cry when i put my bags in the car and throughout the five and a half hour car ride, i felt guilty as i drifted in and out of sleep while my Mom drove. That afternoon was terrifying as i clumsily met a few of my house mates and a boy next door with a nice southern accent while texting people from home i was sorry that i hadn't gotten to say goodbye. My room was big which made me feel a little bit better but i still felt extremely unprepared. I spent the night with my parents in the hotel so that we could get up early and begin shopping.
Shopping with my parents when everyone is stressed out is really NOT fun. We argued a lot because i didn't want to hate my room and they didn't want to spend a million dollars. I met my roommate that day and slept in my room for the first time. I was SO scared and SO uncomfortable and just wanted to go home to Seattle. I spent the next 3 days at New Student Orientation which is where you are forced to uncomfortably meet people who are uncomfortable. The dedication ceremony was nice and it reminded me and my parents that i was not here by mistake and that although i had thought that Chicago was where i was suppose to be, God had a different and better plan for me.
P.F Changs was the last dinner i had with my parents and it was nice to sit down and relax for a second. They bought A LOT of extra food so i could have all the leftovers. We went back to my new house and we prayed, hugged, said goodbye, and cried. I can't tell you how uncertain the future felt, how scared i was, or how unaware i was of God's plan.
I'm still trying to understand God's plans for me and i still feel uncertain and afraid at times but i know that this is where i am suppose to be right now. I have met a lot of really great students out here who have told me about their disappointments about not getting into the Chicago campus and i can see that God is still good. I'm not the only one who gets scared and confused at times but i need to trust in God at all times.
I'm learning a lot and excited about God's plans for me.
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